An Ode To Men

I'm Still Here

I have neglected this page for sometime now, but I have good reason. School has kicked my ass this summer and of course the job is the job is the job. I even had a significant other for a good amount of time (the Possibility entered back into my life and now things seem to have gone back the other way again, maybe I'll write about that more later but right now it hurts to much to bother with anything but the vague). I am not promising to write regularly at this time but I need to get some things out tonight.

In fabulous news though my divorce was finalized this week and it's legally over! Everyone has asked me if it feels different and really it doesn't I have been single mentally for a very long time so no big sighs of relief really just another thing checked off my never ending to do list.

I have been so busy lately that I have had hardly any time to do anything but sleep, work, school, study, meet a deadline and all pretty much in that order. I have gotten to go out a couple of more times and that was a good time. I met a girl in my speech class this summer and she is one of the most sane people that I have met in sometime.

As I write this I try to avoid speaking about what a number I have found done on my heart. On one hand I don't want to write it all out cause I have a feeling that it's not over yet. But I will say that I don't think that I knew the depth of how messed up my heart is. I thought I had trust issues before but now I find all new types of things that go so much deeper than I thought. Not sure at this point how to put it all in words. It feels like I went to the doctor for a cold and found out I have something so much more serious they need to operate to dig out the root. *sigh*

I am looking forward though no matter how messed up I feel inside. I have lost weight (dropped 3 sizes) and am feeling better and better about being in my own skin again. Oh and I cut most of my hair off! I never knew how liberating it could be to just say to hell with it and let go of the whole "I want long hair thing." I have also decided to get rid of this over priced apartment and downgrade to something more to my liking. I rushed into this place because I wanted to get away from the ex and did not really consider my options as much as I should have but I am taking my time to find the perfect space for me and I cannot wait to get into it.

It's been a difficult week. With the Possibility MIA and the more then likely end of what seemed to be heading toward a really good thing between us.... this week has seen its fair share of tears from me but I am trying just let it go. I did what needed to be done and said what needed to be said in order for our relationship to continue and I was met with silence, deafening silence. Sure timing probably could have been better on my part but since I never get a fair amount of time to speak about what's going on between us I wrote it all out and passed the ball to him. All in all seems that he doesn't feel the same about me as I do about him. It hurts but I have to let it go. I'm trying to build something for myself out here and if he doesn't want to be apart of it that's his choice.

I need to write that out for myself more than any thing else, I figure if I keep repeating it it won't hurt so bad sooner rather than later.

Wait A Minute

Haven't posted music in a while so here is one I have been listening to off and on for the past few months.

A quick catch up

Things have been CRAZY around here in the last few months. School is still going well and I am enjoying my Communication class and my other classes are alright but really I am enjoying discussing the area in which I want to work in more than anything.

Speaking of that class we had a project that challenged us to contact radio and Television studios in the area and I happened upon the only black community radio station in the state that is located here, I had a great interview with the Programming Director and was offered a chance to intern with them. I have been to the station a few times so far (I would like to do more but working full time, school full time and all the other things I find myself responsible for does not leave a lot of time for me to do it.) they are understanding and I hope to continue to put in more time there as time passes and maybe gets a little less busy for me... But when I am real with myself it don't look like it's going to be anything else but busier with all the things I have coming up.=(

As for my concern with obtaining a social life that has seen some, interesting developments. I went out with a few girls a few weekends ago, and the gist is this; Went to a strip club had a BLAST! (I had never been to one before) and then I ran through a parking lot (incredibly tipsy) to make it to the other club around the corner before it closed only to dance with one of the girls I was out with because old ass men kept surrounding us and ogling me as I dropped it low (I was drunk yall, and neither place was that hype or the best place I had ever been to but lemons and lemonade). The only thing about that night was I had already been feeling bad that day and popping cold meds before that evening, I woke up the next day feeling like I was dying, I was sick for the whole week and a few more days after that.

There are so many things going on on-line that I would like to write about but again I don't have time, with all the papers and reading I have to do for school I really don't want to neglect the blog but I know what I have to do.

I had a ghost from Christmas past pop up again formerly known as the possibility now know as what the hell do you want now? He texts me like usual just to ask "you got a man yet?" pissed me off last time so I let him have a taste of that chick that will hurt your damn feelings if you keep messing with me. Haven't heard anything else but I know he will, more than likely, pop up again any day now. It is sad our friendship is never going to be as it use to be but nothing I can do about it, just keep it moving.

That's all for now, maybe later I will have some time to tell you how incredibly WRONG Tyler Perry is and how I wish I had only spent maybe $5 on the movie. He really needs someone that will stop blowing smoke up his ass about how great he is and tell him to stop slapping shit together that insults my intelligence and perpetuates the idea that one dimensional characters are what makes a story. I swear I am waiting for one female to come out and show him how it's done... Hell quiet as it's kept I pray to God that it is me who does it. Note to self never believe your own hype it will destroy you.

Just Catchin Up

First things first, Happy V day and all that crap, I am glad to be single! Enjoy Video below!



Since school has started I am tired more often than not but at least I am getting to do some stuff that I actually find interesting. Have met some new people and met some real "character's" that I give nothing but a side eye to on the regular in class. Let's see, there is the Hobo, and the Angry (old) black woman that badgers our poor teacher with trivial bullshit like "are we getting a hand out on the notes because my other teacher gives us one." He was really nice in the way that he handled that, I mean really, we are in college note taking aint that damn hard.

The possibility is dead to me! OK that was a little harsh... Funny how you can consider someone to be like fam and then they want to change shit up and learn they can't handle what they asked for. side eye is given to him permanently at this point but I am still proud of myself for dropping his ass when I did instead of making up lame ass excuses as to why he doesn't call any more and why he seems bothered when ever we do catch each other. Fuck that, I aint that chick any more.

Now on to the who else should get stomped on this week. John Mayer.... by now everyone knows what that fool said in the playboy article (I refuse to link to that BS). The thing was I wasn't really offended by what he was TRYING to say about the "hood pass" thing. What pissed me the hell off was his blatant distaste of black women. First off I don't need some lanky white guy to talk shit about black women, we have enough of that crap going on in our own race let alone some guy that a lot of black women enjoy. We are and always will be the shit, the thing is how amd what he said. Considering how much I liked him before all this came about it was really disappointing to see what an asshole he is. I don't believe I will be buying any more of his cd's (yeah I still buy cd's but only by people I think are good) downloading his ass from now on. I was so angry before that I figured I was done with him all together but I like his music and he has been in the soundtrack of my life for some years now. Though I must say, next time I am talking with people about music I don't think I will be so quick to state my enjoyment of him anymore.

My Born Day!

Yesterday was my birthday and I had a wonderful time. I got to do some shopping for things that I really needed, rather than just stuff that I wanted, it was great that all things were pretty much both. Not to mention yesterday while I was at the mall picking up some things for myself I walked past one of the shoe stores and as I walked past looking at the displays I noticed a man leaning over one of the tables. He was caramel colored with smooth skin, dark eyes and a nice Cesar (not to mention the sexiest arms!!!!). I stopped walking when he made eye contact and a slow easy smile lit his beautiful face, I smiled back then realized how I looked, I was dressed down (slightly raggedy, really since I knew I had to walk all over and since I was going out later I didn't want to dress like I usually do). I didn't go inside the store.... I wanted to but I couldn't. But I will be making a return trip hopefully next weekend.=D Even if it is just to look.

I had some blessings come my way this past week that allowed me to got and get some things done that I had been looking forward to. I must say over and over Thank God. I have been a bit pressed with some things that have been going on between me and my mom and just getting everything in order for school starting tomorrow. I was not sure how everything would come together and I had no way to do anything to make things happen. I think I am finally figuring out how to truly let go and let God. I did not start stressing about all of the things that were going on. I took my moments and vented when I needed to but I did not have the overwhelming feelings that I usually have when faced with heavy adversity. I knew peace in the midst of it and did not fight the times when I felt truly sad.

During this time of solitude I have heard God speak to me again and I have realized so much about past habits that were doing me no good. Things that people have said to me for so long finally clicked in away that made lights turn on in places & spaces that I never realized that were dim.

I have also come to some conclusions about where it is that I want to head in this year and things that I would like to see accomplished so I am looking forward to the work that I have to do to get some of those aspects realized.

As I said earlier, school starts tomorrow for me and I will have my first communications class=) I am looking forward to learning more about different aspects of the business and figuring out what direction it is that I would like to go in. Not only that but I pray that maybe there is a person (at least one) that I can possibly become friends with that is closer to my age. I have been in Austin for this long and still have not come across anyone around my age that has been like minded and just cool to hang out with. After all that time in the Navy I became so use to having all my friends right there with me, now we are all spread about the country and it's just not the same.

So here's to new possiblilties!

I'm Ready

I am glad she finally put out a song I like on this cd.